MMBM, Friday edition: The best week of football in history
January 2, 2015 - bbq set
We’re compulsory to remind we that these clever takes are SATIRE. Sorry, not sorry. All spelling errors are intentional, we think. -Ed.
Wellcome to a
Monday FRIDAY Morning BM,, usually a word of warning your substantially not prepared to hoop a clever football takes and barrelfire NFL truths that we never knew your Mondays Fridays were missing. This mainstay is created for and by a REAL fan of a NFL. Its designed to be review on your Monday FRIDAY Morning commode mangle after a prolonged Sunday week eating bad-for-you food and celebration beers. If we caring some-more about SPELLING afterwards we do about TELLING theres a doorway given this columns not for you.
This has been and will continue to be a best week of football in story of a world. Youve had play games all week and now wildcard playoff’s all day tomorrow and Sunday. It seems like usually yesterday we was essay a preview for a unchanging deteriorate and after 17 weeks of progressing a BAC during or nearby .12 it allmost feels like it was one hulk blur.
As good as a week has been we did see something that literally disgusted me- it was a over abundants of helmet stickers in a college game. OSU and FSUs especially. You could frequency even see a group colors underneath all that large play grafitti. The helmets looked some-more like a underside of a overpass in doubtful squad domain afterwards a block of reserve equipment. Its like we’re observant “Oh your a Wide Receiver who finished a block? Thats good interjection for not NOT doing your job- heres a bullion star” – and I consider we all remember a certain Germen tyrant who used to palm out bullion stars left and right, people.
Also lets speak reserve here: Why would we supplement stickers to your helmet if your so regard about concussions? You dont see doctors putting small small snakes and rods all over there defibrrullators for each time they pretence a studious into removing a vaccine that literally has a mercury in it. Act like youve been there before. Next patient.
Also a brillant pierce by Ridell is to hide in a frequency review warning on a helmets observant “any modificaton to this helmet, including putting small small appearance trophys all over it will totally blank your guaranty and it absolves us from liability, idiots. But hey, suffer bragging about doing your job.”
Another large emanate with college football is that there players are apparently not good during schools. They demeanour usually reticent as all ruin on a sidelines staring adult during a scoreboard like theyre stranded perplexing to figure out how most a 2 indicate converson is worth. If your a tyro athlete, each actor on a sidelines should be holding a text to remind them of a genuine reason theyre during a Advocare100 JG Wentworth Ca$h Ca$h Ca$h diversion for a troops, sponsored by Halliburton.
The kids should be some-more focused on removing good pursuit stickers for there task afterwards on there helmets. When we hoop a cusotomers billing doubt though observant any of a 4 large swears we dont get a endowment or a raise- we usually go behind to crusing craigslist for improved jobs and watch partys while we pierce on to a subsequent call.
Another good reason to completeley discharge helmet stickers is a fact that there treacherous a Tennessee State Highway Patrol:
The dual were pulled over a few miles easterly of Memphis, along I-40, and were greeted by a span of black SUVs containing officers wearing “body armor and guns,” Jonas-Boggioni told Joe Blundo of The Columbus Dispatch.
“What are we doing with a pot plaque on your bumper?” one of a officers asked.
That led Jonas-Boggioni and her father to explain a definition of a Ohio State sticker, that is given as a prerogative to OSU players. To assistance a undetermined officers bond a dots, Boggioni stepped out of a automobile to uncover his 2002 national-championship sweatshirt, one “complete with a Buckeye leaf,” Blundo wrote.
Chagrined, a officers immune a uncalled-for stop by explaining that an officer in another office had called in a news of a Boggionis’ plaque — desiring a comparison integrate to be during a forefront of some arrange of large pot ring…
Before vouchsafing a span off, officers told a integrate that they should mislay a Ohio State plaque from their car. “I said, ‘You meant in Tennessee?” Jones-Boggioni said. “No, permanently,” a officers replied.
(Thx to @Phins_Phan for flitting this a long)
But now that a amature games are over a time for a REAL group to get out there. Ive listened approach to most recently about how a NCAA is going to take divided audiences from a NFL though theres no possibility that happens.
Theres alot of problems with college football series one is they dont offer drink during there games. If we horde a football diversion where we dont offer drink thats like Rex Ryan hosting a swingers celebration where a guest list is usually Leutentant Dan and Oscar Pistorious. Its so absurd saying folks in a stands entertaining for football though a drink in there hands that we allmost half design to see fans during WVU games holding a card cutout entertaining on there possess “D” “Tox” instead of D-fence.
Anyways lets pierce on to giving out awards and maybe we can even speak some Pro ball.
Road Grader of a Week: Kirk Cousins and Michigan State
RG3 was parading all along a sidelines in Dallas vagrant a TV cameras to concentration on him and his privately branded hat,, duration Captain Kirk was substantially hosting a BBQ during a church with his mother giving all excellence to God and Sparty. Griffin and Baylor started to applaud to early (I theory all that unresolved out with Desean Jacksons rubbing off) and they left a doorway open for one of Mark Dantionos heading comebacks.
Its like theres no interlude RG3 on his query to be come a biggest distracton of all time. Having Griffin on your sidelines is literally one large diversion of “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you” while hes technicaly not physcially doing anything wrong outward of his terrible fundamentals, his small participation is usually unsettling.
Of march Griffins bronze bust graces a opening to McLane track in Waco. Its mocking that Baylor would put adult such a permamnent reverence to a actor who still has his whole life forward of him to do something to flaw it. Or maybe a usually there to remind us all that infrequently people rise early and thats ok- a genuine life Statue of Limitations.
Fan of a Week: Texas Man
— Jordan Godwin (@JordanGodwin) December 30, 2014
I have some fun with it and contend that if Texas realy cared about winning they should of finished their 5 core values LT, LG, C, RG, and RT.
Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter
Note: There will be no Joe Flacco Elite-O-Meter this week given right now Im focusing on a playoffs. All QBs are during a accurate same turn of Eliteness right now. There purify slates. So until Flacco proves one approach or a other in break time- his ranking will sojourn during a prevous turn of: Is Joe Flacco Elite?
If we need to review somthing about Flacco however heres this weeks artcile from ESPN.com titled “Joe Flacco has been Elite in a postseason” featureing this gem:
But here is a matter that can’t be contradicted: Flacco has been chosen in a playoffs. The flitting numbers, a purchase performances and a wins behind this up.
10 Things we Know we Know:
1. This was a SECs worse week of better given 1863.
2. Dallas hymn Detroit. The Cowboys should of had a event to defer home-field advantage IMO. Perhaps a biggest misstake of Jason Garrets career was winning there final diversion opposite Washington that forced them into personification during home. Detroit duration is removing over a suspenson of Ndamukong Suh, whose suspenson was revoked one day after it was handed down. The Cowboys have there work cut out for them- given they usually hosted a College diversion and they need to change a whole margin into NFL turf. In other difference they need to hurl adult 10,000 block yards of weed in a matter of days, though a zero that Dez Bryant coudnt hoop if we gave him a towering dew, bag of Takis, and a crate of Dutch Masters.
3. If Im Pete Carrol and Mike McCarthy we would try to set a fullcontact struggle adult for this weekend. A bye week is a curse, given some of these guys players to reticent to remember that approach to run on a kickoff if there not forced to do it each singular week. Football is alot like sex- a longer we go though doing it we start to skip all sorts of new trends, and by a time your behind in a diversion everyones pubic hair has dissppeared and a section shell is aristocrat again.
4. Steelers hymn Ravens: Absolutley NO adore mislaid between these dual teams. Old School strike you-between-your-teeth padlevel operative category football here. SCIENCE FACT: Gotta give credit where credit is due to Darwin- Terrel Suggs gums have finished expansion and blending to yield additional cushioning over a past 8 years given this matchup is so consistantly pound mouth.
5. Jimbo Fisher schooled a tough approach that perplexing to manager Jameis Winston on a hangover though Xanax is harder afterwards it looks.
Its flattering transparent that some of Janikowskis aged people are still unresolved around nearby a FSU module and providing whatever kind’s of sedatives probable to players entrance down of a bender. Somehow that connecton got screwed adult during a misfortune probable time- new years day-and a outcome was Jameisn’t Winston behaving like a comprehensive spaz.
6. Close curtain adult for Fan of a Week was this guy, Ed Grant who was apparentley toll in a New Year in style- by emailing his slightest favorite sports columnist:
7. Arizona hymn Carolina. Cam Newton has been performng out’ve his mind given he got into that automobile collision pushing AWAY from a group facilities. In fact, its a copycat joining and Newtons been personification SO good given his mutilate that Im told that countless teams have inquired to a Dallas Cowboys to see about trade for Josh Brent as group chauffer.
Bruce Arians is a master motivator and Ron Riveras a gambler. Two good coaches with large overhanging balls that is a matchup establish for a splendid lights of literally BOFA Stadium.
8. Cincinnatti hymn Indianapolis. Marvin Lewis is a genuine “resolute” manager given he usually lasts one week into a new year folks. Im not teasing we equivocate a gym altogther until a Bengals remove a playoff diversion usually to equivocate all a new folks perplexing to learn what a treadmill is, or a form of people who give me looks when we steep fasten a shipping ropes to by testicles and rivet in core-burning hip thrusts for flesh confusion.
If a Bengals get serously blown out like i consider they will, Paul Brown competence glow Lewis, a contingency successful manager in story of a Bengals competence get dismissed that would make SIX years in a quarrel for Jason Campbell that his conduct manager gets fired. Campbells been a small too utterly recently, thats how we can tell hes adult to something.
9. we did a small lay down over during DEADspin given they didnt have anyone that knew anything about football to speak so they asked me some stuff. But there a PC military and cut out this bit of my story because, we dont know we theory it was too REAL for them-
Deadspin: Whats something that people competence not know about your past?
PFTC: Not to be sum though we circumsized myself by putting my dicktip in to a hole in a football follys DVD and spinning a corner of it on a relocating JUGS machine.
10. Kansas City gets a “Team of a century” endowment for not throwing a Touchdown pass to a WR all deteriorate and finishing with a winning record. Thats such a considerable attainment a like eating during McDonalds each day and never removing fries not that Andy Reid would ever acquit it, or like a newlywed integrate that final there whole 1st year usually doing boundary stuff. Its so unconventonal that it worked.
This week in Darren Rovell:This week in Jim Rome:
Got. A. Huge guest. Thast right. guest hosting for Darren Rovell this week will be Jim. Rome. Huge. Your in a jungle clones.
Jim Rome is one of my persnoal heroes flourishing up. He had takes for days and had that cold goatee that is a ideal brew of “plastic surgeon and 90s releif pitcher.” Yesterday he had some really critical things to contend about a Ohio State Marching band:
Is there anyone not in a marching rope who thinks those dorks using around with their instruments are cool?
— Jim Rome (@jimrome) January 2, 2015
Love a strentgh of his take. we knew we could count on Rome to take a mount for a rights off those of us each where who got kicked out of tone ensure for repeatedley seeking how come theres no “WHITE guard.” Guys like me and Romey usually wish to be means to speak rabble to nerds though being labled worse afterwards Adolph Hi- oh wait heres a Jim Rome Column from final year:
Lions core Dominic Raiola’s got utterly a swat sheet: melancholy to quarrel fans, center fingering fans, and now – spitting hatred during and verbally abusing a band.
Lions President Tom Lewand has apologized after Raiola reportedly destined happy slurs and impertinence towards a Wisconsin Marching Band during Lambeau Field on Sunday.
C’mon Dom- picking on a BAND?? I’ve always famous we were a bit of a bully. we didn’t know we were a HIGH SCHOOL bully.
Dom’s element sounds like all we remember from a high propagandize cafeteria, including job a Tuba players “Fat BLEEPS”?” Or maybe lift a Chess Club’s underpants over their heads? I’ve always kind of favourite Dom’s fire. I dignified how ardent he was about winning, notwithstanding doing so most losing. And we can know times in a past when he’s gotten mad with his possess fans. But Dom- What did a dudes with a flutes do to you? They’re usually there to hit out Taking Care of Business and Wooly Bully- not get bullied zero like rabble articulate and hate-speaching a garland of college musicians, and afterwards removing smoked by one of your rivals.
(Thx to @14teammocker for flitting this a long)